An Update: Helpful Sex Tips You Gave to This Crone

I began to receive advice about a half an hour after I posted about my sad sex life. Lots of commiseration, too. Here’s a sampling:

*Go to Trade Joe and get their jojoba oil. “You’ll thank me a thousand times over!”

*“You have been using coconut oil, right?”

*A link about something called soulsex

*After finding out that natural oils such as jojoba and coconut are hard to wash completely off and may turn rancid, had a back and forth with one of my most essential friends. We discussed bidets and since my dishwasher was broken I was very excited to think I could re-purpose it in a pinch! She texted back, Ha!

*One person said she laughed all the way through, watched the Blazing Saddle clip, and then got depressed.

*A major boy of my youth who I haven’t heard from in a long time sent me this message: “Hey crone. Could you have picked a better pic…just sayin! [insert smiley face]

**Best of all, if you read me often enough, you may know by now that the husband is not easily ruffled. He actually forwarded the post to a colleague, Leonore Tiefer, who is one of the country’s foremost activist against the pharmaceutical industry disseminating false information and pushing medication to treat sexual problems. She wrote:

“Drs are the wrong people to consult. No wonder they give bad advice. There‚Äôs a million new books about eldersex or whatever you want to call it. Avoid the ones by drs.” 

Here’s what I did:

The nearest Trader Joe’s is downtown and always packed. Instead, I bought a huge tub of coconut oil from Costco. I used it in a recipe for cauliflower curry–it really boost the flavor!

Have not pursued soulsex. Seems like a lot of work. But maybe….

Really, really thinking about the bidet thing. Would have to be installed in the minuscule half-bathroom by the kitchen, though, and not sure where I’d stack the clean dishes.

Sent a heart-felt apology to the woman who got depressed. I thought watching all of Blazing Saddles might help. Husband said that’s what I get for sharing our sad sex life. He hopes I’m happy now!

Tried to think of some snappy, sassy retort to that boy of my youth who I retain some very very hot memories of. All I came up with was AHHHHHahaha! I think I look lovely Lame.

After whining to the husband about how embarrassed I am that he sent the post to his colleague who I probably will have to spend time with at some cocktail party, and who then pointed out that I was the one who told the whole world about my vagina, I then took up Tiefer’s advice and bought a couple of books. They haven’t arrived yet.

All to say, I’m happy I was wrong and I’m so grateful that you have shared your thoughts with me–even that idiot boy of my youth (I know you were kidding). Attention is being paid to the sexual needs of older women. But I wish I didn’t have to write all this to find that out. It really should be a louder conversation out in the world and, as Tiefer’s says, it shouldn’t be left in the hands of doctors, or the pockets of pharmaceutical companies.

My life right now is shaping up to feel the most powerful its ever been. I finally have a secure handle on my mental health. I am a stronger, more productive writer. I don’t suffer fools nearly as much as I once did. Despite the tiny wobble over the husband’s colleague, I’m finding it so much fun to not give a damn what people think of me anymore. All those years of hard battles have earned me a peaceful grace.

Most of all, through all the heartache marriage entails, I find myself to be a better wife.

And it’s the weekend. And there’s that big tub of coconut oil on the kitchen counter. And the husband is Googling soulsex. Lord of mercy!

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